Why relationships fail

I have this theory on why we suffer in relationships with others and with ourselves. And how to stop the samsara.

So you meet the perfect person, he’s got the looks, personality, good job, childbearing potential (if that’s your thing). That person is fun, loving, hot, drives the right car (it’s an LA thing) and comes from a nice family. So you decide, this person could possibly be the one.

At this moment your brain does this sort of a movie fast forward, that is your brain projects the entire til death do us apart story.

This all happens within a few seconds. Let’s be generous and say it happens within ten seconds and now it’s second eleven. What’s next? You have already lived an entire lifetime with this person in your head. Now the reality needs to catch up. In other words, what you have so eloquently seen in your head in ten seconds needs to play out veeeery slowly. Like in 50-60 years.

But here’s the funny thing. On second eleven you are not the same person as you were on second one and neither is your partner. Yet, you try to play the game using the characters that no longer exist. On second twelve you are yet again a new person who is trying to behave according to the reality perceived on second one and attempted on second eleven. On second thirteen, well you get it, samsara. Fast forward twenty years and still, you are trying to live the life that you virtually created twenty years ago with people, including yourself, who also no longer exist.

And of course you are unhappy. You are not living your life in a way that makes the current you happy. You are living the life that the old you thought would make the future you happy. You old you thought it knew what the future you would want but in reality it had no clue. Our experiences shape us. How could someone even guesstimate what one would want and need years down the road without knowing what experience one would encounter in the meantime?

In other words, when you live the life that the old you created, you are not living your life as yourself. You are living it as someone else. Worse, you are not even living a life of a real person, you are trying to play out the role of a projection of a person that you created in your head. And you are expecting your partner to do the same. And you are unhappy. Because how can you be happy if the life you live is not real with a person who does not exist.

What the solution? Stop making up stories in your head, stop projecting the future onto yourself and others and stop trying to make the reality fit into your illusion. Accept things exactly as they are in this moment without trying to fit them into any system, belief, want or desire.

Stop chasing the past version of today. Stop trying to live in a virtual reality. Be in the reality, be in the today.

Because each moment is unique and you are unique within each moment.

If a person tells a joke that you think is funny, laugh. If a person says you look hot, take it. If a person says he loves you, accept it as the ultimate truth of this moment and don’t create a story around it that started ten years ago when you were not even you and the other person did not exist in your reality.

Because tomorrow, you will be a different person with a different outlook on life anyways. And so will your partner. And perhaps you will not want each other in your lives. And that’s ok. Because you have each other today. And today is an eternity in which many lifetimes are lived. And tomorrow, well, it’s a whole other eternity to bathe in.


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